It’s hard being single on Valentine’s Day. While all the couples are out on romantic dates and giving each other sexy gifts

you’re sitting at home wondering what part of your body your dog will eat first after you die alone.

But just because you’re spending Valentine’s Day alone doesn’t mean you can’t still spice things up in the bedroom. Here are some adventurous new sex positions you can try all by yourself:

The Stranger (Design: Man) Everyone knows this one. Sit on your hand until it falls asleep. When you start touching yourself it’ll feel like a totally different person is pleasuring you.

The Stranger’s Friend (Design: Man) A twist on the classic. Sit on your penis until it falls asleep. When you start touching yourself it’ll feel like you’re pleasuring a totally different person.

The Pantry Raid (Design: Woman) You’d be surprised how many phallic objects are in your kitchen. Bananas and cucumbers are old favorites, but try experimenting. You’d be surprised how lifelike an ice cream scoop can feel in there.

The Virtual Assistant (Design: Alexa) Close your eyes and focus on your other senses as you take care of business while asking Alexa to define dirty words.

The Submarine Attack (Design: Woman) Reach behind your back and through your legs to sneak up on your junk from below. Probably want to stretch first.

The Identical Twin (Design: Man) Put your arm around a full length mirror and press it against the side of your naked body. Suddenly you’re no longer alone! Feel free to give your twin a little wink every now and then, but prolonged eye contact can get weird. However you choose to love yourself on February 14th, the first step should be slipping out of a sexy pair of Valentine’s Day underwear.

(Image: Slideshow of Valentine’s Day underwear)

Stay Weird & Love Yourself

We're at 2930 Umatilla St. Denver, CO 80211 Unit #400
If you're looking for PG ish content or you're someone's mom, follow us on Facebook.
If you wanna get freaky and see what's not socially acceptable for a brand to say, follow our Instagram.
If neither of those options appeals to you, follow us on Twitter, we haven't touched that in ages (I don't even know the password.)

This extremely tasteful, hand-crafted, organic, non-gmo, vegan, gluten-free email was designed by Dain and written by Nate. I get so mad at myself when I fall asleep right after masturbating and skip the cuddling.

We hope you aren't down here to click this: unsubscribe