Sheesh, must be a tough day at the office when the TODAY calls you out saying you’ve lost your mojo: Image showing headling: Sweethearts candies have returned but some wont be as swweet

We’ll say what the Today Show was hinting at - the Valentine’s Day candy everyone knows and loves has gone soft on us. It’s 2022 and over 75% of the U.S. population has tried “butt stuff,” so we felt the need to reinvent this Valentine’s day staple.

Introducing the Sweet Talkers with sayings that 25-to-40-year old millennials can actually resonate with (yes there are actually 40-year-old millennials now). Image showing couple in smooth talker underwear

{Image of Send Nudes candy} Such a Shakespearean approach to love. {Image of emojis candy} Now you can express your love language in your native tongue.

Screwpid here. Last week I asked “What’s something you share with your partner that you probably shouldn’t?” Well, the results are in and it’s almost time I pass my blunderbuss of a dildo-shooting-bazooka off to some of you based on what I heard. 99% of you said something relatable like sharing a toothbrush or bathroom time together. Then one of you said something that I can’t repeat here or I’d have to put this email in a plastic wrap, see proof of ID, and sign you up for a mandatory minimum of five psychiatric counseling sessions. But I won’t put the “alien fetish” one on blast because we don’t kink shame here. Then, Cay F. dropped this one on me: “Snacks that he’s licked for me. Everything tastes way better with my Snuggle Bear’s DNA on it.”

I didn’t think making your snuggle bear baby bird you snacks would make it on my list of “weird shit things couples do,” but here we are. So to keep celebrating the weirdness in your relationship I'm giving Cay a $250 Costco gift card so they can snack at a wholesale price. And maybe stock up on mouthwash too. Alright, you people really creeped me out on this one so I’m taking this next question down to PG-13: What’s something weird but non-sexual you do with your partner in the bedroom? [CTA: “Spill the beans”]

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This extremely tasteful, hand-crafted, organic, non-gmo, vegan, gluten-free email was designed by Dain and written by Smooches. Since you’re down here, you must really like those little candies, so here’s a link to buy the totally brand name Valentine’s Day candy.

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