With the addition of both skateboarding and bmx to this year’s Five Ringed Games, it’s painfully obvious that this is their attempt at getting a piece that sweet X-Games moolah. If they’re gonna tease us with these so-called “extreme sports”,we feel it’s only fair to ask that the sports below are added to pump some real adrenaline in 2024.

The Clench and Haul: It may upset you, but this is the new frontier for pushing human physical performance. Delicately distributing the weight of the Cool Ranch Doritos and Mountain Dew bottles between bags is key to avoid disqualification by bag rip.

Nipple Fencing: You may have seen Joe Rogan training for this event recently. We’ve gotta hand it to him, those semi-frozen Jimmy Dean’s are gonna be hard to beat. I’m just happy to have him on team USA.

Basket Bowl: There’s a 0% chance that your local bowling alley is insured for this event, so you’ll need to train at a public park. If you can’t sink a 10 pointer without maiming someone in the crowd, it’s advised to play with the bumpers up.

Double dribbling is a serious safety risk, the handholds are slippery enough as it is. FYI all chalk bags will be tested for performance enhancing drugs before the event starts.

Did we miss any new sports? If so, reply to this email and let us know so we can start training.

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